Hola Amigos!
We've arrived in Santa Marta. Majestic doesn't begin to describe the place. But, with my constrained vocabulary, it's the best jab I can get in.
As a man of few words, last night we had an incident. The story has many tentacles, but in the interest of time and my own recollection, it'll have to contained.
Frankie, I found quickly, has a new muse. She works at a great place called the Pink Flamingo, where all the men working wear Real Madrid jerseys and all the women working wear.. well... barely anything.
Concurrently, there's a tiny crew (one person) documenting our adventure, and without naming names said worker opted to see how well Colombians could actually dance.
After approaching a local candidate, it appeared that her prowess was indeed elevated. After ten minutes of ecstatic gyrations (see below picture) she threw her forehead up in the air, and, purely on accident, struck said worker's on the forehead with her braces. Yes. Her braces.
Looking around, it became apparent that the majority of female employees at this fine establishment wore braces. Jogging my memory more, I remembered all of the women at these places had braces. What gives? Some noble soul, please chime in?
Apt at surgery, Jack and I had to repair our wounded solider out in the back of the Flamingo. Whether this will limit our nocturnal travels remains unclear. But count this tale as cautionary.
A document of the Sweet Times me awesome jack Frankie and the crew will have in the Southern Lands of Colombia. We make things good!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
Simmonds Arrives/Awards Ceremony
Yesterday our wonderful DP Michael Simmonds arrived. Michael has shot a number of great movies, and functions well in all environments, ranging from the tropics of Antarctica to the desert plains of Serbia. So Santa Marta should be a breeze.
After a long day at the office and a number of arrepas and a brief consultation of how to reapproach Nora, we headed to a Colombian Production Grant Awards Ceremony. Our friends and co-producers on the project--Dynamo--were up for a new film from Andreas Baiz, whose next film is prepping. The ceremony was like nothing I've ever seen in that they gauge 80 projects or so, narrow it down to 20, bring those 20 in for interviews, and then have a huge ceremony in an auditorium to announce the winners while the non-winners sat and watched.
Michael and I sat in anticipation and confusion (as we barely understood what was happening) but after a five second delay we found out our Andreas won! Which was great! Again victory rears its head in pre-production!
From there we went to celebrate with Havana Club! What a splendid way to pass an evening! The festivities bore little to no resemblance to the picture below....
Tomorrow we head to Santa Marta. V excited to catch up with Jack and with Frankie. All's coming together.
After a long day at the office and a number of arrepas and a brief consultation of how to reapproach Nora, we headed to a Colombian Production Grant Awards Ceremony. Our friends and co-producers on the project--Dynamo--were up for a new film from Andreas Baiz, whose next film is prepping. The ceremony was like nothing I've ever seen in that they gauge 80 projects or so, narrow it down to 20, bring those 20 in for interviews, and then have a huge ceremony in an auditorium to announce the winners while the non-winners sat and watched.
Michael and I sat in anticipation and confusion (as we barely understood what was happening) but after a five second delay we found out our Andreas won! Which was great! Again victory rears its head in pre-production!
From there we went to celebrate with Havana Club! What a splendid way to pass an evening! The festivities bore little to no resemblance to the picture below....
Tomorrow we head to Santa Marta. V excited to catch up with Jack and with Frankie. All's coming together.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Nora's Response
Half way through my first cigar in years, Nora, the aforementioned, lovely actress whom I've professionally courted to join this crazy trip, struck up an electronic conversation via Skype. While inappropriate to divulge all, let's just say it's official.... she's not going to be in the film. It was confirmed by, what I can only deduce as a self-portrait expressing her thoughts on my persistence.
See Exhibit A
That said, I think she's alluding to there still being a chance. Being from Detroit, optimism is in my genes.
While her enthusiasm in saying nahhh is evident, what remains to be seen is whether she or her representatives will file a restraining order.
See Exhibit A
That said, I think she's alluding to there still being a chance. Being from Detroit, optimism is in my genes.
While her enthusiasm in saying nahhh is evident, what remains to be seen is whether she or her representatives will file a restraining order.
The Longest Days
I did get to go to the Mall today again which is great. They know me there by name. I bought cigars and am smoking one, which is really nice, as I trudge on with work. Michael Simmonds our beloved DP arrives tomorrow, and I had a great two line email exchange with Ben Kramer in LA which was awesome, as always. This is pre-pre in Colombia when I should be at a premiere for a film I can't understand. Producing is all about the leisure and perks.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Colombian Talk Shows
I learned something interesting today about me and Colombia.
When I'm not in the office, which, aside from scouting, is the rarified moment, I am in the Mall. I really don't have the lay of the land in Bogota, and, admittedly, I never thought Malls were all the rage, despite the extreme fun propagated in Mallrats, but I've spent a fair amount of times in Malls since I got to Colombia. First up was a few weeks back in Baranquilla where I ate MacDonalds. Then I bought a thirty dollar Nokia phone and a four dollar wallet at a different one in Bogota. I've pictured each below because, like a father, of my new children I'm proud.
Claudia, who I've mentioned but not formally introduced, is our production coordinator, and it was with grace and precision that she facilitated my new found love for the Malls. She escorted me to the best stores where I pondered purchases of belts, wallets, jousts at pinball and air hockey, and Eurotrash sunglasses and revealing swim trunks (that Jack previously bought) that would provoke my dear mother to disinherit me. Best of all she led me to a fast food eatery whose offerings exceeded my favorite MacDonalds meal in both taste and thrift. Here she is, kind reader. Under her watchful eye I pitifully navigate this foreign land.
When I'm not in the office, which, aside from scouting, is the rarified moment, I am in the Mall. I really don't have the lay of the land in Bogota, and, admittedly, I never thought Malls were all the rage, despite the extreme fun propagated in Mallrats, but I've spent a fair amount of times in Malls since I got to Colombia. First up was a few weeks back in Baranquilla where I ate MacDonalds. Then I bought a thirty dollar Nokia phone and a four dollar wallet at a different one in Bogota. I've pictured each below because, like a father, of my new children I'm proud.
Claudia, who I've mentioned but not formally introduced, is our production coordinator, and it was with grace and precision that she facilitated my new found love for the Malls. She escorted me to the best stores where I pondered purchases of belts, wallets, jousts at pinball and air hockey, and Eurotrash sunglasses and revealing swim trunks (that Jack previously bought) that would provoke my dear mother to disinherit me. Best of all she led me to a fast food eatery whose offerings exceeded my favorite MacDonalds meal in both taste and thrift. Here she is, kind reader. Under her watchful eye I pitifully navigate this foreign land.
From there the day turned sour. I attempted to sneak onto a Colombian talk show called Extra but was promptly escorted out. The show shared the same stage as the Colombian version of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Despite my vocation as an independent film producer, my aspirations covertly align with that show's ethos, yet I aborted invasion onto it. Instead, all I earned was this lousy picture before the suits forcibly relocated me to the street's curb.
From there I made a last ditch pitch to convince my actress friend Nora to join us on this culturally enriching adventure. Beg and plead as I did, she refused, for the seventeenth occasion, so the only option I can muster is breaking into tears on a video conference call. Nora. If you're reading, consider this an amazing non-Razzie opportunity! Regardless of her decision, I will always adore her and a special place will always be vacant in my heart for her likes.
Back at my apartment, just got off the phone with Turner and, from the marbles swimming in his mouth, our radically talented (and patient) casting director Susan Paley Abramson and I could only conclude that he was perfecting his Stephen Hawking impression for All Hallows Eve.
I can only imagine what that cruise ship did to my poor business partner.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Bogota - Day 1 - From Brothels to Academia to Pizza Parties
This morning I weathered my insomnia by exercising the body at 7AM with ten sun salutations. It is impossible for me to type sun salutation without thinking of its irony and humor, as transmitted (prior to any novice knowledge of what a sun salutation actually is) by Jonathan Ames' in his groundbreaking novel, Wake Up Sir. In any event it soothed the nerves and readied me for an occupado day of scouting brothels, strip joints, and universities. A day isn't complete, as my dear followers know, without hitting each of these in the broad daylight.
First off was the 49 Club. 49 Club spans an entire city block, and according to their kindly manager, Orlando, is set to reopen tomorrow--although the renovations looked at least ten to twelve days off from this writer's eye. Regardless, this four storied monstrosity was a site to behold. A bevy of open dance floors snaked away to private VIP areas and apartments that could be rented by the hour. Where I'm from we rent by the month, but perhaps they're on to something. Of particular note was a small casino that I'd gladly wager my wage in for a night. Here's a picture of me and Orlando.
From there my intrepid driver, Claudia, and I carried on to La Piscina, which is, from all internet machine testimonials , the most highly regarded adult establishment in all of Bogota. Even in the daytime, the architecture and design of the place proved it's in the running for the coveted Sweet Times award of "Best Stip Joint Slash Brothel". After entering an ominous looking door in a derelict wasteland of Bogota, we were greeted by the owner and taken to its coliseum-esque main room, where embedded stripped pads with requisite stripper poles floated above a seemingly well-maintained and (disease free) pool. The only negative I could see was that if one were so inclined to take a dip, one would be quickly banished from the establishment, quite possibly forever. Pictured below, who wouldn't want to shake away the days worries with a frosty Club Colombia and a refreshing swim.
From there, we ended the afternoon at a University which was OK. Back to work. My solo pizza party in my hotel room, adjacent to Parque 23, hath begun.
First off was the 49 Club. 49 Club spans an entire city block, and according to their kindly manager, Orlando, is set to reopen tomorrow--although the renovations looked at least ten to twelve days off from this writer's eye. Regardless, this four storied monstrosity was a site to behold. A bevy of open dance floors snaked away to private VIP areas and apartments that could be rented by the hour. Where I'm from we rent by the month, but perhaps they're on to something. Of particular note was a small casino that I'd gladly wager my wage in for a night. Here's a picture of me and Orlando.
From there my intrepid driver, Claudia, and I carried on to La Piscina, which is, from all internet machine testimonials , the most highly regarded adult establishment in all of Bogota. Even in the daytime, the architecture and design of the place proved it's in the running for the coveted Sweet Times award of "Best Stip Joint Slash Brothel". After entering an ominous looking door in a derelict wasteland of Bogota, we were greeted by the owner and taken to its coliseum-esque main room, where embedded stripped pads with requisite stripper poles floated above a seemingly well-maintained and (disease free) pool. The only negative I could see was that if one were so inclined to take a dip, one would be quickly banished from the establishment, quite possibly forever. Pictured below, who wouldn't want to shake away the days worries with a frosty Club Colombia and a refreshing swim.
From there, we ended the afternoon at a University which was OK. Back to work. My solo pizza party in my hotel room, adjacent to Parque 23, hath begun.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Bogota
Yesterday I was in New York City, Santo Domingo, and Bogota. What a wonderful surprise Santo Domingo was, what with their airport and allegiance to Michigan made Dominos Pizza! It was as if I had regressed back to the age of twelve. What a wonderful year that was!
Arriving in Bogota is always a pleasure. The aduana (customs official, for you English-only plebians) seemed convinced I was mctipsy and proposed the idea of sharing a beer as he welcomed me to the country. What a gas! I only had two Aguilas on the plane! Not sure what could've possibly set him off on that course but it was even more fun to correct his presumptions!
But the sweetest news of the day of course is that the good ship that carried Frankie and Jack to Cartagena has officially landed, and they've been met at port by the good people from Dynamo. We will reunite on Saturday in Santa Marta. This will also offer Jack some blogtime (is that a word?) to give us first hand reports of the treacherous and amazing voyage.
Until then, here's a picture of Stefan in a bathtub with Nicole from years ago. I'm awesome at capturing moments. Sweet!
Arriving in Bogota is always a pleasure. The aduana (customs official, for you English-only plebians) seemed convinced I was mctipsy and proposed the idea of sharing a beer as he welcomed me to the country. What a gas! I only had two Aguilas on the plane! Not sure what could've possibly set him off on that course but it was even more fun to correct his presumptions!
But the sweetest news of the day of course is that the good ship that carried Frankie and Jack to Cartagena has officially landed, and they've been met at port by the good people from Dynamo. We will reunite on Saturday in Santa Marta. This will also offer Jack some blogtime (is that a word?) to give us first hand reports of the treacherous and amazing voyage.
Until then, here's a picture of Stefan in a bathtub with Nicole from years ago. I'm awesome at capturing moments. Sweet!
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Ted's Excellent Adventure
As some of you might know, my cousin was involved in a hit and run in Brooklyn three weeks ago. His injuries were extensive--a partially broken back, tremendous road burn, et al--and he's gone through some fairly extensive surgeries to begin the process of physical reparation.
Last week he was transferred from NYU Neurological ICU to a rehabilitation center across the street. I went to visit him this afternoon. The visit coincided with the first time he's gone outside since the accident, and the weather couldn't have been more accommodating. Miraculously his resolve has allowed him to begin to slowly take steps again and ask for Strohs beers with his solids.
In all seriousness, it was refreshing to know that he's accelerated in his path to recovery.
Last week he was transferred from NYU Neurological ICU to a rehabilitation center across the street. I went to visit him this afternoon. The visit coincided with the first time he's gone outside since the accident, and the weather couldn't have been more accommodating. Miraculously his resolve has allowed him to begin to slowly take steps again and ask for Strohs beers with his solids.
In all seriousness, it was refreshing to know that he's accelerated in his path to recovery.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Hawaiin Shirts are the New Shit
I've had the busiest of days preparing for my departure tomorrow. Included therein was breakfast with Lars Knudsen. Having previously been a train wreck, it feels really good to be Lars' life coach and help guide him through what are rather mundane issues that he's exploded. For those who don't know him, I've pictured him below. Given his rampant insecurities, he'll certainly object to this post but we share the same lawyer so I doubt our shared lawyer can both sue and defend me concurrently.
Following that, I headed to the office where I am busy packing up. Whilst finalizing some very important (and secretive) matters, I received the below pictures of Frankie and Jack. Hesitant before to go on the cruise ship thanks to its frivolity, I'm now safe harboring a bit of jealousy. To say the least. More so than anything is the fact that Frankie has this shirt and the only way I can get one is by stealing it from him.
Following that, I headed to the office where I am busy packing up. Whilst finalizing some very important (and secretive) matters, I received the below pictures of Frankie and Jack. Hesitant before to go on the cruise ship thanks to its frivolity, I'm now safe harboring a bit of jealousy. To say the least. More so than anything is the fact that Frankie has this shirt and the only way I can get one is by stealing it from him.
Quiz Show
Everyone loves Quiz Shows! Especially Christian Vesper, but, with that gentleman, and I use gentleman and Vesper in the same sentence with an immense amount of hesitation, they typically relegate themselves to guessing what designer made what designer tie! The ways in which we pass our nights!
So in the spirit of the Great Quiz Show I've opted to include a weekly game here at SWEET TIMES. If you email me with the correct answer, I'll offer amazing advice about everything!
Week 1
NYC Bathrooms -- PS 122, The reduxed Don Hills, or that god dreadful hotel Trump made in Soho?
So in the spirit of the Great Quiz Show I've opted to include a weekly game here at SWEET TIMES. If you email me with the correct answer, I'll offer amazing advice about everything!
Week 1
NYC Bathrooms -- PS 122, The reduxed Don Hills, or that god dreadful hotel Trump made in Soho?
Friday, October 22, 2010
Goodbye Yoga
As most of my loyal followers have been certain to notice, my personality has drastically changed over the last five months. The wild, wandering ways that helped define my first thirty years have been replaced by a calmer, more deliberate Nicholas Shumaker. Pictures like this have been set in the backseat of a bygone era:
While I'm a pretty remarkable person by every estimation, not dissimilar to Timothy Carey's lead character in the underexposed cult classic THE WORLD'S GREATEST SINNER, I for once can't assume full credit for this unlikely transformation. Nope. It was in the hands of the world's greatest (and most tolerant) yoga instructor, Rebecca Phillips. Not only has she weather my histrionics and stomached all of the insults I grimace her way, she also guided me into perfect tree pose knowing that I'm pretty retarded on my left side. For those looking for a similar transmutation, get in touch with her. With my departure she has over four and half hours a week free for the next two plus months.
While I'm a pretty remarkable person by every estimation, not dissimilar to Timothy Carey's lead character in the underexposed cult classic THE WORLD'S GREATEST SINNER, I for once can't assume full credit for this unlikely transformation. Nope. It was in the hands of the world's greatest (and most tolerant) yoga instructor, Rebecca Phillips. Not only has she weather my histrionics and stomached all of the insults I grimace her way, she also guided me into perfect tree pose knowing that I'm pretty retarded on my left side. For those looking for a similar transmutation, get in touch with her. With my departure she has over four and half hours a week free for the next two plus months.
Dispatch from the Cruise
Having just finished my daily intake of roast beef and cauliflower, I received this missive from Jack, whose exact positioning in the Caribbean remains unknown:
22 October 2010
Nick-
Things are going swimmingly on the high seas. Frankie is in good spirits and has found great company with a seventy year old woman named Millie. A recent widower from Kansas City, she has agreed to partner with him in the line dancing class that occurs between 1630 and 1700, just before the early bird dinner.
Of high interest to you is my besting of Frankie in the shuffle board tournament. What a thrill victory brings! Ever the good sport, Frankie tipped his hat towards me after a a firm handshake and a wily wink. Between the patchwork class that begins at 3PM for which I have signed up, I'm going to sneak onto the court for a few practice shuffles. (I certainly hope the tournament officials don't happen upon this blog post as I cannot risk a penalty.)
You see, the early evening could be a rocky one indeed, I must admit. Sponsored by Saucony, Jimmy (pictured below on the left), who hails from New Mexico and rides the good ship once a year with his wife of forty years, is the reigning champion of the last twelve years, and also my next opponent. I would be dishonest if I did not concede a smidgen of trepidation.running through my tummy for Jimmy is a formidable adversary, indeed. So keep me in your thoughts at 5PM when the shit is destined to go down and I create a ruckus. Someone might become an appetizer for the sharks!
Otherwise, life is grand on the seas and, staring past the ping pong room and the geriatric yoga practitioners, I can now, with confidence, posit myself within the ranks of the great explorers of yesteryear. Encyclopedia Brown, poise your pen, ink the tip, and be ready to posit me, Mister Jack Turner, alongside Mr. Christopher Columbus and his fraternity of great explorers in the annals of history.
In Cartagena I trust,
Jack
22 October 2010
Nick-
Things are going swimmingly on the high seas. Frankie is in good spirits and has found great company with a seventy year old woman named Millie. A recent widower from Kansas City, she has agreed to partner with him in the line dancing class that occurs between 1630 and 1700, just before the early bird dinner.
Of high interest to you is my besting of Frankie in the shuffle board tournament. What a thrill victory brings! Ever the good sport, Frankie tipped his hat towards me after a a firm handshake and a wily wink. Between the patchwork class that begins at 3PM for which I have signed up, I'm going to sneak onto the court for a few practice shuffles. (I certainly hope the tournament officials don't happen upon this blog post as I cannot risk a penalty.)
You see, the early evening could be a rocky one indeed, I must admit. Sponsored by Saucony, Jimmy (pictured below on the left), who hails from New Mexico and rides the good ship once a year with his wife of forty years, is the reigning champion of the last twelve years, and also my next opponent. I would be dishonest if I did not concede a smidgen of trepidation.running through my tummy for Jimmy is a formidable adversary, indeed. So keep me in your thoughts at 5PM when the shit is destined to go down and I create a ruckus. Someone might become an appetizer for the sharks!
Otherwise, life is grand on the seas and, staring past the ping pong room and the geriatric yoga practitioners, I can now, with confidence, posit myself within the ranks of the great explorers of yesteryear. Encyclopedia Brown, poise your pen, ink the tip, and be ready to posit me, Mister Jack Turner, alongside Mr. Christopher Columbus and his fraternity of great explorers in the annals of history.
In Cartagena I trust,
Jack
Anchors Away!
As I toiled over a Powers on the rocks and a Black Market Burger with the two Davids last night, Frankie and Jack (in Ryan Werner and Rene Bastian fashion) toasted two Sex on the Beaches replete with umbrellas on their cruise ship. The anchors are up, the non-existent sails unfurled, and the AARP aged cruiseliner is en route to Cartagena with a quick stop in Aruba. Ahoy!
As an aside, ever the non-traditionalist, I'll be flying on Sunday direct to Bogota. As I end this, it's important to note as another aside, this not only represents Mr. Latina's first foray on foreign soil, but might be the first time in cinema history that a director is transported via cruise ship to location.
Von Trier has his camper. Latina has a four hundred some foot boat. To each their own!
As an aside, ever the non-traditionalist, I'll be flying on Sunday direct to Bogota. As I end this, it's important to note as another aside, this not only represents Mr. Latina's first foray on foreign soil, but might be the first time in cinema history that a director is transported via cruise ship to location.
Von Trier has his camper. Latina has a four hundred some foot boat. To each their own!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Jack Goes Boating
Jack fully supports my new blog despite the fact that he, like the majority of you, insists on not following it. Ya'll be strange.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Don Chucho
While we were scouting in Santa Marta, we happened upon a jovial fellow at a restaurant named Don Chucho's. Little did we know at that time that Don Chucho was the proprietor of said establishment, and that said establishment was in fact considered by the weathered travelers who pen the Lonely Planet guidebooks to be the best restaurant in the town. Don Chucho proved that to us with a feast of the freshest local catch. It quickly became apparent that we were kindred souls, as he graciously offered us a free bottle of tequila as digestif.
Sadly as we moved on to the next venue, our friend the bottle was "checked" and then, apparently, stolen from the coatcheck at our new friend Diego's nightclub, Ibiza. I could never tag blame on Diego as he's a kind and honest man.
Sometimes, late in the night, when I brawl with my insomnia, I wonder what happened to that bottle. If you've seen it, feel free to email me.
Bad News For People Who Like Bad News
Naysayers beware!
There is a new breed of counter-conspirators who appear to be contesting the semi-popular, longstanding conspiracy theory that we are, shall I say, fucked when December 2012 rolls around. It turns out that the switch from the Mayan way of calendaring to the Gregorian way (or something whatever) yields not an apocalypse of living, but rather an apocalypse of clarity. The calculations might be all wrong! Darn!
So we might all not die at the end of 2012. Furthermore, there might not even be the tidal shift in paradigmatic consciousness (whatever that actually means) that Daniel Pinchbeck pretentiously softballed to tripped out advocates in "2012: The Return of Quetzalcoatl". I want my money back from the galley I received years ago!
So we might all not die at the end of 2012. Furthermore, there might not even be the tidal shift in paradigmatic consciousness (whatever that actually means) that Daniel Pinchbeck pretentiously softballed to tripped out advocates in "2012: The Return of Quetzalcoatl". I want my money back from the galley I received years ago!
All this firmly attached to the hip, i should be sleeping well knowing that society in some form will stretch past the year after next. But alas I type at 534AM EST....

Tuesday, October 19, 2010
I'll Show You Something Special
This whiskey, Something Special, is posturing to be our official beverage in Colombia. We had it for the first time in Bogota a few weeks ago, and were immediately won over not only by its amazing smoky taste and handsome packaging, but more so that some Scotsman would actually name a Scotch "Something Special." Color me smitten.
Frank's on a Train
Frankie Latina is training from Milwaukee to Fort Lauderdale. The conductor, pictured with, will deliver him to Florida on Wednesday.
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